i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
