SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
only you would photoshop your dick
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
