I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
She's the barista slut.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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