you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
The Olympian is in my bed
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