Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
