my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
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