It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Randomize
