twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
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