Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Randomize
