My clean wipe streak was ended today by two enchiladas and a can of refried beans. dammit i should have been more cautious. thanks for all ur encouragement and support.
He had one of those small greek statue penises
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
Randomize
