i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
Beverly Hills, 90210. Cleveland Browns, 0.
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
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