I got chris browned last night
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
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