my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
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