A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
sarcasm needs its own font
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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