Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
