My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
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