You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Randomize
