Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
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