Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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