He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
I faked an abortion last night.
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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