1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Randomize
