Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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