I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
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