She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
stayed up to watch the sunrise..saw an albino taking shots on the quad..it's like there's a whole new world of people out there just waiting to meet us
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
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