tweet Hawks Win!! tweet
That's how twitter works, right?
He still wants to giggity, regardless of his girlfriend. So...I guess I'm happy again.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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