he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
