i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
Good luck! Who knows he might be a stallion in the bedroom! or it could be like having sex with a crayon.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
He's a Shit stain on my heart
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
Randomize
