How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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