Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
