He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
The required reading for this week is a paper about birds called great tits. Let's see my TA keep a straight face through this discussion.
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
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