i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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