Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
We should be called the Road Head Warriors
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
Randomize
