I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
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