I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
