Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
don't you miss dr. quinn: medicine woman? i do.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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