ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
if only i could text you this smell
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
