i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Randomize
