Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
