Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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