none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
P.S. I can't hear my feet
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
