Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
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