why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
Randomize
