is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
ok, i just want to know who did it and which end it came out of
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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