i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
Mom said you looked used
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Randomize
