She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
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