grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
how do you spell 'special'? like slow?
S P E L L C H E C K
No you dumbass thats not right
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
