The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
Randomize
