i already hear my dad disowning me
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
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