Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
I know. She seems like she getting that "need some dick" restlessness. Might explain the feisty attitude
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
