I can't watch pbs sober anymore
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
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