oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
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