Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
