I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
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