just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Randomize
