i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Randomize
