cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
PS: I just woke up from my shower
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
Randomize
