just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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