My sheets look like a crime scene.
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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