no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
Randomize
