how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
Randomize
